Good Job Reading This!
Praise is so powerful. It makes us proud. It focuses our attention on the feature that was cause for the praise. It helps define us.
Parents who praise are not stigmatized (unlike parents who punish). No wonder, then, that parents use this powerful tool liberally. But as Po Bronson points out in his recent book, it is important to know how to do it correctly.
The two key questions to ask are when to praise and what to praise.
Let us start with the latter. We are all tempted to praise our children for how beautiful, intelligent, strong they are, and we find all kinds of other laudable qualities in them. We mention it to them to make them feel more confident, to help them survive in today’s competitive environment (and, of course, because we enjoy saying it). What happens in their minds when they hear the praise?
When we praise children for what they are, they learn that their intrinsic attributes make them special. They will seek situations that confirm their specialness, and avoid those that challenge it. Unfortunately, the result is exactly the opposite we would like to achieve:
Children praised for their intelligence, for example, typically give up faster on difficult cognitive tasks, or try to avoid them in the first place. Why? Because when they were effortlessly successful at previous tasks, e.g. a math problem, it was due to their intelligence. When they are now not successful at the new challenge, it must be because their intelligence is not sufficient! And there is nothing they can do about it, because this is just what they are. Better not to embarrass oneself and avoid difficult tasks altogether! In the end, they will underachieve because they are afraid to fail.
On the other hand, when we praise children for what they do, they learn that the effort they put in makes them special. When they are confronted with the difficult math problem, they will just try harder. They can learn that the ability to do difficult things needs to be trained, like a muscle. Success requires effort, not genius.
When praising effort and activities, what is the right time to do it? Praise is the most effective if happens as close to the praiseworthy event as possible, i.e. when you see something, say something. Make sure to mention exactly what it is that you saw … praise needs to be specific. Here is an example: “Good job reading up on how to praise your child. This makes you a good parent.” That’s it for today, because it is not good to be praised all the time.
